Literally I need to make out with someone before I lose my mind
I find myself most nights trapped staring blankly at this screen.
My mind going too fast for me to even form a proper metaphor to describe the speed at which it travels.
My hope is that one night my thoughts slowdown.
Slowdown to screeching halt, even if only for a moment.
Because in that moment
I will be free.
Free from the gut wrenching anxiety that consistently and without warning robs my lungs of air.
Free from the migraine inducing hell that is making a phone call to set up an appointment.
Free of everything I don’t say because I’m too afraid of what might be the reaction.
Free from being alone, and the fear of never again feeling the warmth of another person as I lay next to them.
Free from the irrational fear of walking into the bank one day just to have the teller ask me why i don’t use the ATM like the rest of society, and then having to explain to a complete stranger why I’m scared that I’ll hit a wrong button or set off some alarm despite the fact that I don’t even think that is possible.
I would be free from it all.
it’s 2:44 A.M
and I’m afraid to go to sleep again.
I’m afraid that I will wake up with my sheets pulled off the bed.
A subtle but heartbreaking reminder
of a time where two people worked together to stay warm.
Of a time where,
I didn’t wake up cold.